Monday, January 09, 2006

Feeling the Fear

Whoever invented Most Haunted really is an absolute genius.

See, I am sitting here, watching it even though:

1. It's a Sunday night and it's 12.30am. How unprepared is that.
2. It really REALLY scares me and I live on my own.
3. It's actually shit which kind of should negate point 2. but doesn't. I spent a week sleeping with the lights on after the Sixth Sense.
4. I've had a long, hot bath, am all pink and cozy and on my bed next door are fresh, ironed bedsheets.
5. It's a Sunday night and it's 12.30am. I know I've already said that but, really. It's whack, man.

But I'm sitting here, watching it, feeling quite sick with anxiety as lights go on and off and alarm clocks flash because they've been turned off.

And it's because:

1. It's fucking brilliant in its shitness. I mean, come ON. Who can resist Liverpuddlian Derek calling on his spirit guide, Sam. A strong, firm, erect forefinger underlining that "yes, yes, thanks Sam, I've got a first name. It's William. Yes. William. William says all his family were slaughtered by a ... yes, thanks Sam ... by a French man in here. In ... thanks Sam ... 1796 " While underneath a tag line reads: there is no record of this actually having happened. GENIUS!
2. The crew are brilliant. While all the mediums are bumbling on about energies and asking for someone to make a sound, the night-vision camera always catches the sound guy or the runner with their eyes glowing green looking absolutely fucking terrified.
3. Yvette Fielding. She is a woman on the edge! She spends the entire episode looking as though someone's just rammed a poker up her arse and swearing like a navvy. I'm not so sure Blue Peter'd have her now. And the best thing is that because she's forever walking into doors and beds and tables she's always swearing because she thinks it's an entity trying to swallow her soul or something. Oh, and she's afraid of the dark. Seriously, the perfect host. But, she has balls of steel and, I tell you, I wouldn't do half the stuff she does.
4. I love the way they ask all the time for these spirits to let them know they're there but when there's a bang or a knock or something, they all scream and peg it. And Yvette swears.

The ultimate brilliance in Most Haunted is that it reminds you what a drug child-like fear is. We're all so lucky to live in this society now that we don't experience it very often. But there's a need for us to feel it. Which does feel wrong when there are people in the world who deal with real fear every day and would switch to a life of Most Haunted and rollercoasters in a second.

Which does put a bit of dampner on it.

But Yvette's just walked into a door and my shower just dripped and, quite frankly, I almost wet myself.

I feel ALIVE!

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