TELLY: THE APPRENTICE

I am SO excited because The Apprentice is back. It really is the only thing on TV I actually remember to watch - apart from Homeland and ... well, Homeland, really. 

The first two episodes have been that heart-racing mix of hilarious stupidity and outright nob-ending and I LOVE IT.

Two things are already standing out for me:

1. Why are most of the girls dressed like they're auditioning for a Business Lady Stripper role?  Have I missed something or can you not be taken seriously as a woman in business unless you wear six inch fuck-me heels and do your hair like Katie Price? They're attractive women, but they looked like dolls sitting at the boardroom table.

And one of them's a doctor for God's sake. It's embarrassing.  I was genuinely gutted when Jaz left - as comedian Kathryn Ryan rightly noted, she was the only one who didn't look like they'd had their make-up done by Take Me Out.

It's also hugely disappointing that one of the candidates chose to describe herself as having the 'energy of the Duracell bunny, the sex appeal of Jessica Rabbit and the brain of Einstein' yet then went on to ask who the president of the UK was ... If you're going to sell yourself as something, at least try to live up to it.

There's nothing wrong with being a sexy, powerful, successful woman. Of course there isn't. But there is something wrong when you notice the shoes first and the business sense second. 

2. The boys are no better. A clutch of posturing, vain, dim-witted morons all shouting over each other how bloody amazing they are at selling, guys.  The kind of men who think that if you say something enough times, it's true.  Even the Silly Shit PhD student is useless - anyone who undercuts HIS OWN COLLEAGUE is a fuckwit on any planet.

However, my favourite is Alex Mills who dresses like Del Boy and came up with the Silly Shit's name of the Silly Shit and also called him a Pleb in fury. I didn't even know that was still in use (outside of Tory MPs, natch, whose entire cannon of swearwords are sourced solely from Biggles stories). His camel coat worn over the shoulders a' la Jerry from The Good Life ... AWESOME.

At this point, it's too wide a playing field to say who might win, but I'm going to say the final five will, hopefully, be: 

Ice Maiden Stephanie - she may be unpopular with the other women, but I like her humanity.

The one wearing Laboutins (Natalie?) - she seemed on it a bit more than the rest at the Brewery.

Niall The Cock - the cocks always seem to stay in and are good value.

The Body (Miles?) - he seems cool and calm enough to get through a Board Room Attack.

Alex. Because he's bloody brilliant.

The rest will be nailed by their own desperation.