I've always thought that it was other people with the commitment problems. When I say people, I mean men. But actually, in retrospect and, after all, isn't that what New Year is about?, I think it's more likely me. I mean, of course I can commit to things. I'm perfectly capable of committing to a fag and a glass of wine at the end of the day. Pushing the snooze button on my alarm until it runs out of snoozes. Leaving everything to the last minute. Sleeping with him on the first date when I expressly told myself I wouldn't. But none of these are actually especially helpful. Apart from the fag and the glass of wine, of course.
When it comes to committing to change ... well. Well. I'm very good at committing to not changing. Much better.
So I'm going to see what happens when I do.
Here is what I am committing to this year:
1. Aqua at least twice a week. I like aqua. I'm the youngest, most attractive thing in the class especially now I have a proper swimsuit and won't be exposing vast whale-like body-parts via an ill-fitting tankini.
2. Pay more attention to grooming. I had all my lovely hair cut off three times last year and cried for weeks afterwards. This year it's all about the trim. I will also spend money on pampering myself once a month - a massage, a float, a manicure. I am getting on a bit now and occasionally taking my make up off with babywipes ain't cutting it any longer. I will take my make up off properly every night, unless I am drunk or getting lucky. (I am deeply committed to not being one of those girls who rolls over and cleanses)
3. Being a writer. How can I say that I AM a writer when there are people out there with the litererary abilities of a cave-dwelling monoglot who get published. And they didn't procrastinate by watching Charmed to get that deal. This year I shall not have to fake a book deal to impress an ex-boyfriend. I am looking at five hours writing a week. Minimum. Or I shall take to calling myself a ballet dancer - it will be just as true.
4. Rediscover my passion. I once spent months reading about the assassination of JFK. I even made notes in the margin of my condensed copy of the Warren Commission. I can't remember the last time I got quite so obsessed but I can tell you now - I'm never happier. Men do not count. For this, I'm going to keep an open mind, go to galleries and museums and exhibitions and read some good non-fiction books and revel in the geek that is me.
5. Lose weight. No quick fixes. I see myself as a fat bird - always have: even when I was slim, in my head there was a fatty trying to get out. I am going to use NLP and hypnosis to change that. Or it's just me and the cats from here on in.
6. Believe that I'm a catch. Because I am. And hanging around waiting for men to heal or simply throw a crumb is no longer on my agenda. I want to be happy and in love, not checking my phone every three seconds and mistaking being coveted for being loved.
7. Become friends with my money. It's my money after all and all this guilt about spending it? Well, I think we'll be seeing less of that and more attention paid to where it's going.
8. Know what has to be done and do it - the cats need their injections. I need to declare my old car off the road. I do it at work, now I do it at home.
9. Focus on my career. If I'm still at MBA by the end of this year it will be because I want to be.
Above all, this year I'm going to stop being frightened and be honest with myself. I am my best and worst friend most of the time, but this year, I'm going to try and be my best.
Oh, and at least once a month, I'm going to meet up with my favourite people in town for a lovely dinner or drinks or something fun and get a cab home.
I told my mother that this was the year I was going to have a baby. Fuck knows where I'm going to fit that one in ...